coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
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MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid