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I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.