Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
You Might Also Like
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Hmm, not sure about this change
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son: