Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
You Might Also Like
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.