Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
You Might Also Like
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti