If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
You Might Also Like
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.