This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
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I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Yup.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this