Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
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Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”