My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
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List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Lmbo
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!