WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
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“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Running from your problems is cardio .
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
my dog when i have a friend over
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes