I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
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Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones