I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
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[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.