No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
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I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I am, perchance
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.