“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
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“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK