I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
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Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!