Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
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Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.