My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
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Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
wish me luck lads
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.