Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
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My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
first you must answer his riddles
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.