PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
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[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.