You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
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My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
#catsoftwitter
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?