[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
be careful
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream