I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
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One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
BRO LMFAO
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”