I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
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business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.