My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
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He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Sing it!
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”