“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
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Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
bout dat hot dog summer
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
No regrets in 2018
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)