Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
What the hell happened here.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.