“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
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Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31