Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
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Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
spicy snake
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall