A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
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Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
May never get over this
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.