My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
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Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?