Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
You Might Also Like
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting