whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
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movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
God making man in his image was the original selfie
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.