Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
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Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome