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You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.