Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
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I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.