Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
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A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving