Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
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#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???