I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
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OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.