I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
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I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”