Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
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It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
What an awful time to have common sense.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.