One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
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Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Autocarrot sucks!
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado