Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
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[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.