I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.