I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
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Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
When you kidnap a writer.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.