You Might Also Like
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
courtroom exchange of the day
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 馃檭
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 馃槵*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn鈥檛 the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I鈥檓 trying to eat
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I鈥檓 married?
Her: Look, I don鈥檛 believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn鈥檛 matter either? Phew!