i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
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[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
We’ve all been there…
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.