harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
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I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin