Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
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Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.