I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
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In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
barbara was highly relatable
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
The glockness monster
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”