Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
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Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Had to try this trend 😊
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals